Guide
How to keep in touch with friends when you're busy
A friend you meant to call. A former colleague you never followed up with. Most of us think about the people who matter far more often than we tell them. Here is what research says, and a few simple habits that change it.
We think of them, but we don't write
The hardest part is rarely knowing what to say: it's the feeling that it's been too long, that the message will be awkward, or that the other person won't care.
Research says otherwise. In a series of experiments published in 2022 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Peggy Liu and her colleagues found that people consistently underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to, with a short message, a note or a small gift. And the more unexpected the message, the more it's appreciated: an old friend you haven't spoken to in a while is exactly the person who will be glad to hear from you.
Why it's worth the effort
Friendships take time to build. Jeffrey Hall, at the University of Kansas, estimated that it takes about 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. That time is an investment you don't want to lose to silence.
And it matters beyond the pleasure of it. A 2010 meta-analysis by Julianne Holt-Lunstad and colleagues, covering 148 studies and more than 300,000 people, found that people with stronger social relationships were more likely to survive over the period studied, an effect the authors describe as comparable to well-known risk factors.
Choose who, and how often
You can't keep up with everyone, and you don't need to. Start with a short list: the five to fifteen people you would genuinely miss. A few years ago, I sorted out my own circle and moved away from people who constantly criticise; it left more room for the others.
Then give each person a rhythm that fits the relationship: every week or two for the closest, every month for good friends, every few months for the people you don't want to lose touch with. There is no right number; what counts is that it's realistic for you.
A 30-second message is enough
You don't need a long catch-up. A short, specific message does the job:
- “Saw this and thought of you. How did the move go?”
- “It's been too long! Coffee next week?”
- “Happy birthday! How's the new job treating you?”
The secret is the detail: the move, the new job, the child who started school. Write down what people tell you after each conversation, and you'll always have something to say next time.
Rituals rather than willpower
Good intentions fade; habits stay. Attach reaching out to something you already do: a message during your Sunday morning coffee, a call on the walk home on Thursdays, birthdays in your calendar with a reminder the day before. Two or three people a week is enough to keep a whole circle alive over a year.
A tool to remember for you
A notebook and your phone's reminders can do the job. KeepContact is the app I make for it: you choose a rhythm for each person, and it shows you who is overdue. It keeps birthdays, the things that matter to each person and the thread of your conversations. With Pro, a morning brief puts one person first with a short summary, and its on-device AI suggests a first sentence when you're stuck.
It's free for up to 15 contacts, which is enough for the short list above. Everything stays on your iPhone: no account, no server, and your address book is never uploaded.
Questions people ask
Is it weird to reach out to someone after years of silence?
Less than you think. Research by Peggy Liu and colleagues shows that people appreciate being contacted more than senders expect, and even more so when the message is a surprise. A short, warm message is usually welcome.
How often should I contact a friend?
There is no universal rule. Choose a rhythm per person: every week or two for the closest, every month for good friends, every few months for others. A realistic rhythm you keep beats an ambitious one you abandon.
What can I say when I don't know what to write?
Mention something they told you last time, a shared memory, or something you saw that made you think of them, then ask a simple question. Keeping short notes after each conversation makes this easy.
Do I need an app to keep in touch?
No. A notebook and calendar reminders work. An app helps when your list grows, by remembering rhythms, birthdays and what each person told you.
Sources
- Liu, Rim, Min, Min, « The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think », Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 124 (4), 2023 (APA press release)
- Jeffrey A. Hall, « How many hours does it take to make a friend? », Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2018 (University of Kansas release)
- Holt-Lunstad, Smith, Layton, « Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review », PLoS Medicine, 2010